4 things to keep in mind when healing after divorce or separation

Thursday, August 6th, 2015

Divorcing or separating from your ex-partner can be a very emotional and difficult time. The healing process can sometimes be as hard as the divorce or separation itself. However, it does not have to be as daunting. There are some things to keep in mind that can help avoid extra stress. If there is more stress added onto your situation, this may make things worse.

Here are four things to keep in mind when healing after divorce or a separation:

1. Healing takes time and patience. It may take us weeks, months, or even years to fully recover and heal. And, for some of us, we never really do feel like we have fully healed.

Regardless of the time it takes for us, it is all perfectly normal. Everyone has their own unique process that happens in their own unique way on their own unique time. So be compassionate with yourself. Give yourself the time and space to cry it out whenever you need to and heal.

2. Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything. For many of us, we can go through a variety of stages in focusing on the past. We rethink all the things we didn’t like about our ex. We rethink all the things we loved about our ex and miss about them. We rethink all the things that we wish we would’ve said and done instead of what we did.

Even though this is our tendency, it’s not a very healthy route. It’s just our minds (or ego) trying to remain attached to suffering. It’s keeping us out of the present. When we rethink these things over and over in our minds it can really wear us down physically because our body then thinks that we’re experiencing the same thing over and over again.

So try to catch yourself if you fall into the habit of re-analyzing what happened and draw your attention back to what is going on for you right now.

3. Forgiveness is huge. And I don’t just mean forgiveness towards the ex, but also towards ourselves. We have to put forth the effort to forgive and forgive often — whether we are going through a breakup or not. We have to focus on forgiving constantly.

In relation to my previous point about replaying the past, whenever you do find your mind going into a “replay,” stop, be present, and then say out loud, “[Name], I forgive you” and then go ahead and say “I forgive myself” as well.

Even if you don’t fully mean it 100 percent every time that you do it, just the act of putting forth consistent effort is enough to help begin some shifts.

4. No relationship ever fully ends — it just changes form. When we go through a divorce or breakup, we find ourselves upset over what we have lost. We are upset because what we had in the past we no longer have now and that our dreams for the future are now completely gone.

But, it’s reassuring to know that no relationship — at any time — ever really fully ends. Rather it only changes form.

So even though you are no longer married to your husband, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him. It just means that you are no longer married. Just as if you are no longer talking with your ex boyfriend, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him. It just means that you are no longer communicating.

Even when someone passes away, it doesn’t mean that the relationship has ended. The relationship simply continues to live on in a different form, where it is a bit more of a spiritual connection rather than a physical connection as it was.

The relationship doesn’t end because it has, at one time, existed and, therefore, it continues to impact how you live your life. Remember that movie that you never watched until your ex came around? Or that meal that your ex introduced to you and now you find yourself eating it all the time? It’s just like that.

That’s how your ex continues to impact you and forever will. For that reason, they never really do completely leave your heart. When you come to accept the new state of the relationship in this way, this is when some true peace and healing can occur.

Source: Huffington Post